Varkala Beach

Feb, 25, 2012

Today I am filled with anger. I don't know why. Maybe it's the orange sun beating down hot rays at noon, heating the sand to a crisp. The heat is vicious. It sneaks up on you and surprised you with some unfelt emotion you didn't know you had. I find myself heating up to the point of boiling whenever I am walking around at noon or 1:00. Today it was about the price of internet cafes. 50 rupees an hour. That's a whole dollar! I've been used to paying 20 or 30 rupees per hour. Who am I, some sort of cheapskate? Why do I keep searching like a mad dog under the heat of the midday sun, all for a measly 20 cents?

I suppose it's the principle. No matter what it is, I always look for the best bargain. I've never been an impulse buyer (though sometimes an impulse lover). Does this say something about who I am? Does it tarnish my view of myself as continually approaching, but never reaching, perfection?

I sure hope so. I hope my idiosyncrasies speak loud and clear about my damn story on this earth. What else is there anyway? We can't run around pretending to be angels. We can sure take offense and get our feelings hurt, but no one can blame us if that's what we came here to do.

I wonder, as I walk between internet cafes obsessively checking prices, if the heat forces unobserved anger to rise up in the body and shoot out through the skull. I suppose that's why both murders and ice cream sales go up in the summer months (or so they say in Psychology class).

Sometimes anger turns into hot, salty tears when you cannot find the space to let it out the way it wants to (in vocal growls, threatenings, violence, abuse). Or maybe that's just because I'm female and society trained me to be sad but not angry. (For boys, it's the opposite, you see. It is manly to show anger--it proves domination. But never tears, oh no. Tears and honest sadness would mean you were less of a man, that you were soft like a woman, and we all know it is better to be hard and rigid in this world. Gets a man better privileges, you know. Never let them know what you are thinking inside.)

Gee willakers! All this sarcasm is getting me a little screwed up inside! I can be quite cynical when I want to be. I surprise myself sometimes, but wouldn't you say that's a good thing? If we could predict everything about ourselves then life would be boring as hell. At least we've got a good drama going on, both inside and out. Ant thank God it's not a Soap Opera, but a real thriller this time. We don't really know if our species will make it or not, what with our track record, but at least the plot is exciting. It's got me riveted. Sometimes I can't keep myself from getting all choked up from all the war and calamity, and then I say, "What the hell?" and spin in circles on the starlit beach until I laugh and fall down dizzy.